Dear Journal

I think I’ve achieved the possible. For the first time in a very long time, I feel completely at peace with myself and everything around me.

Daphne is just… there are no words. I can’t even describe how I feel around her because I’m not sure if there is a word for such an overwhelming mix of feelings. She is brilliant in so many ways and I’m really scared of these new emotions which are fast taking hold.

We made out during the film which was exactly what I hoped we’d do, except things got pretty heated and we ended up heading to my room and… well.. You know what happened after that. It was just amazing. She was amazing. It felt so good to connect with someone on that level after so long.

I’ll be honest and told her I wished she could stay on because I was really enjoying myself with her and although she’s pretty unlikely to move here, she agreed to come to the office party with me next week as my date. Either way, I’m going to see if I can have her move here. I hate to admit it, but I’ve become dependent on her and I’m terrified that I’ll revert my old self in her absence.

Anyway, needless to say, I woke up with a huge grin on my face the next day and after doing a little work, I went to make breakfast. She came down soon after and we talked for a bit before the subject of my parents came up. I told her my method of coping with their death which was to pretend they were on holiday somewhere far away and sunny and that they were going to surprise me any day by returning. Things took a turn for the worst and I ended up breaking down in her arms when she told me the truth - they were gone and they were never returning.

Moments after I’d calmed down, she told me to get ready because she wanted to go somewhere, I welcomed the distraction and agreed, calling Astoria back in the process. She wanted to check on me but I told her I was fine and that Daphne was taking care of me. She suggested I thank her by taking her out for dinner or something. It’s a good idea, actually. Whatever I can do to persuade her to stay.

Daphne wanted to drive so I gave her the keys and would you believe it, a while later, we pulled up into a cemetery. Yeah. Even I was shocked. In fact, I refused to leave the car but she coaxed me out and I spoke to my parents for the first time since the crash.

It was emotional. The last time I’d been here was the burial but we laid flowers and I actually spoke to them and— it felt good. In fact, it felt amazing, like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. In fact, I somehow ever mustered up the courage to speak to Alaric’s grave. Man, I really miss him. Dude was like my brother.

I felt so much better as Daphne and I walked out of that graveyard hand in hand. I mean, visiting Alaric and my parents really helped and I think I could return regularly to visit them. Who’d have known that facing the challenge head on like that would help?

I took Daphne to my office after where she talked about wishing she’d finished her degree. It was a no brainer, I offered to fund her schooling as a sort of thanks. I mean, I’ll never be able to repay her for what she’s done to me but I can at least try, right? She said she’d consider it so I guess we’ll see. For now? We’re off to Santa Monica!


Dear Journal

Last week, if someone had told me that I’d be taking a day off work and then spontaneously gone to Disneyland for the day, I’d have probably laughed in their face.

And yet, that’s exactly what I found myself doing today. Daphne woke up and it was only when I heard the doorbell that I realised she was downstairs. I made her some breakfasts and then she went to Astoria’s to get ready.

It was nice, driving around California without an agenda. Normally, I’m stressing about work so much that I miss the gorgeous sights there are here. They just blend into the scenery.

Our first stop was Hollywood. We parked up and looked at the view, which I think she really loved. I even promised her I’d take her to the Walk of Fame so that is definitely on the to-go-to list. It was then that I got an idea. I quickly ferried her into the car and began driving, not dropping the slightest hint as to where we were going.

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Her face when she saw the big pink castle with the Disneyland welcome sign in front was probably the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. It just… lit up with happiness and you could see in an instant how excited she was.

Our first ride, Space Mountain, didn’t go so well. I clutched her hand the whole way through and my eyes were glued firmly shut until I was sure we had stopped. It just… reminded me off the crash too much. There was that feeling of falling again, the feeling of no control and the smallest voice in my head wondering if I’d survive this time. When she interrogated me on why I brought her to a theme park if I hate rides, I ended up confessing. I told her everything, journal. From how my parents really died, to how I was the one driving and that 4 years on, it still tears me apart from the inside out that I was the only survivor and that 3 wonderful people had lost their lives because of my actions.

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After some persuasion from her, we decided to carry on and I agreed, not wanting to ruin the day. We even got our picture taken with Goofy. And then there was kissing - a lot of kissing, when she got a little scared on the Haunted Mansion ride.

At one point, we were interrupted by Stori, calling to check on Daphne. Apparently her brother couldn’t get hold of her or something. Oh, that’s the other thing - she was with Daphne’s brother at the time. I wonder what’s going on there. She even wanted to extend her stay, so I have a feeling that there’s definitely something. Either way, with her house empty for another two weeks, it only made sense that Daphne stay there. I asked her and thank god, she agreed.

We ended up watching the parade together and just talked. It was nothings but they meant a lot to me. It’s so nice to have someone care for you. I mean, not that I don’t appreciate Astoria always being there for me, because I do. But we’ve been friends since college. Daphne is practically a stranger who just happened to meet me and within hours, decided to make it her goal to make me happy. I mean, how often does that happen in a lifetime? Almost never, I’m willing to bet.

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We got some Taco Bell (which she loved) and went back to mine to have a feast. We decided to go to the film room and stick a DVD on and she picked a horror - not that I was complaining. She said they didn’t really scared her but from the way she was cosying up to me suggested the complete opposite.

I like her, journal. I really do. My only.. qualm with the whole situation is that in 3 weeks, she’ll be gone and then what? How am I supposed to carry on this way all that time without getting attached? The kisses are sweet, the touches tender and the looks she gives me almost melt away this hard shell I’ve built up over the last few years. I feel like a new person around her, and I want to carry on being that person.

She makes me happy, journal. She truly does, and I’m scared that once she leaves, it’ll destroy me beyond repair. I let happiness slip away from me once.

I’m not so sure I’m prepared to let go so easily this time.


Dear Journal

The last time I can remember myself being actually happy was around 3 years ago.

Alaric and I had just clinched a huge deal with a new client and we took my parents out for drinks to celebrate before mom insisted on inviting him home for game night. It was good. Just good, wholesome family fun. Not a care in the air.

Then 3 months later all of that was wiped clean and I never felt happy until today.

Daphne and I have been getting along really well. She’s really brought me out of my shell. It’s a little refreshing to have someone who’s stubborn like that - Stori just tends to leave me to it when she knows I’m having a bad day.

It started off slow really. We continued walking down the beach and exchanged little facts about ourselves, quirks and all that. She is apparently my yoga fan and coaxed me into showing her my little eyebrow dance.

We got to a bar and she turned to me, saying I could either carry on on the way I am, throwing myself into work, just living day-to-day, or I could try and live a little. And with that, she went inside the bar.

It took a moment for me to process what she meant. I mean, it was a clear message but no-one had ever put it so bluntly to me. And when I went into the bar, I swear it was as if my legs walked me inside of their own accord.

She started me off on tequila but it wasn’t long before I felt the familiar warmth envelope me. Soon enough, we were downing shots and it wasn’t long until we ran off to the arcade nearby, hand-in-hand.

We played around the a coin machines and the slots machine for a bit before heading out to dip our feet in the ocean. The sun was setting and it was just… beautiful. Real beauty that I hadn’t noticed in so long.

I invited her back to mine afterwards for some apple pie which we ate as we looked out over the beach. I— Daphne is just incredible, journal. I’ve never met anyone like her. She’s witty and stubborn, but I like that about her.

She stayed when I protested against her leaving and we… kissed. Well, she kissed me and I immediately kissed back. It was nice to feel that close to someone. She fell asleep soon after so I carried her to my guest room and tucked her in.

We’re going to town tomorrow and maybe we can go for lunch too. I’d like to get to know her better. It’s just a shame her goes home in two weeks.